


The Memories in the Notecards

by morning_fangirl



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Moving On, One-Shot, Sleep, The Doctor introspection, dealing with grief, early in season 11, notecards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morning_fangirl/pseuds/morning_fangirl
Summary: When the Doctor's cue cards from her previous regeneration are found, she must deal with the fact that she is sick of losing people.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	The Memories in the Notecards

“Doctor?”

“Mmmm…” 

“What are these?” Yaz holds up a stack of notecards and the Doctor’s heart catches in her throat.

“Are those notecards?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah,” Yaz replies as she flips through them. “Listen to this one: I’m very sorry for your loss. I’ll do all I can to solve the death of your friend/family member/pet.”

The Doctor is frozen where she stands; she remembers using that card. What she really remembers is the look Clara gave her when she read the card exactly as written. Truth be told, it was only in the last few months that she remembered the origin of the cards themselves since it was only with her regeneration that she remembered her impossible girl who had deemed cue cards vital for their adventures. _I think Bill found them once while I still couldn’t remember her. Yes, those cards confused me as much as Bill. Wait, no, that’s not true. Bill found them hilarious and necessary… In retrospect, they were quite necessary._

Suddenly, the cards are in the Doctor’s hands. How did that happen? Yaz is looking at the Doctor in shock.

_How many have you lost? How many **CLARA’s**? _

“Please don’t mess with these,” comes the quiet plea from the Doctor.

“But… what are they?” asks Ryan not taking the bloody hint.

“Son,” Graham tries reading the Doctor’s protectiveness. He sees the pain in her eyes and recognizes it as the pain that fills his eyes when something reminds him of Grace.

“It’s nothing, okay, just don’t worry about it…” Then, a switch inside the Doctor is abruptly switched as she pockets the cards and returns to her normal self. “So, where were we? Location. When? Where? I was thinking—“

=========================================

_I_ _’m sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won’t be able to breathe, and I’ll do what I always do. I’ll get in my box and I’ll run and I’ll run, in case all the pain never catches up. And every place I go it will be there._

For only the second time since her regeneration into a woman, the Doctor is sitting in her room. Her bedroom to be exact because even the Doctor has a room just for sleeping. _That reminds me I should visit the Paternoster Gang. They would like the upgrade… not to mention I haven’t visited them since…_

The Doctor sighs. “I should probably sleep… don’t remember the last time I did that at least not clearly,” she mutters. She looks at her bed from where she’s standing across the room. Sleep sounds so appealing, she wants to give in, but when has her sleep ever been peaceful. In her last six bodies, the only time she hasn’t been plagued with horrible dreams is when she has blacked out from exhaustion.

The few months she’s spent as a woman have been rough. She hasn’t had time to properly grieve Bill. She doesn’t think it’s even truly sunk in that she’s never going to see Nardole again. Then with the neural block being burned through, she has had to cope with Clara’s loss again. And Koschei might really really be dead this time. Death is for other people, dear, runs through her head every time she thinks of her childhood friend. She’s still hopelessly hoping that she’ll get to see River again. While she deals with all the demons her Scottish self left her, she’s trying to act like everything is absolutely brilliant for her new fam. She would hate to scare them off by showing them how broken she is.

With a sigh that almost turns into a scream, the Doctor gets up and changes into a set of sleep clothes (that are way too big) from her time on Darillium before sitting on her bed. She tries to clear her mind, shutting the images of River laying on this bed smirking and of Clara coming to the door crying from a nightmare behind mental doors.

Next to the door is the blackboard Eyebrows used to write on. She doesn’t know why the TARDIS moved it in here when she redecorated. “Too many memories…” she whispers, a tear trailing down her face. _Too bad dad--NO mom--gotta stop doing that--skills don’t work on yourself._

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little thing I wrote. I wish we got to see the Doctor dealing with her stuff more. Quote is from 'The Girl Who Died'


End file.
